I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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