our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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