broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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