remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
