mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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