Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
