Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
