I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
