So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
