smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Panties = found
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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