Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
