Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
