Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
