Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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