I am spending my child support on dildos
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Randomize
