i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You need Xanax blowdarts
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
