I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
