The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
