and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
