If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
