I will die if light touches me.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
