once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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