i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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