im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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