how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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