New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
