i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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