Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
