why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the day after is always just damage control
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
