my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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