You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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