you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize