I can feel you judging me through the phone.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
