Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
