Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
