It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
