my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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