I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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