drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
