why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
