He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
