it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
