I hope mine doesn't look like that
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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