The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
