So drunk its hurt
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
