Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
