those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
