If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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