My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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