she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
